Over the weekend I started having a lot of contractions and since I was just shy of 36 weeks I had to go in since it was considered "pre-term." Without going into the details there is "progress" being made so I had to call my husband in Thailand basically letting him know I could go into labor anytime. He was there for a two week conference. Nothing of dire importance and by the time he came home he was only going to miss the last 4 days so he was there for most of it. When I told him he was sort of on the fence as to whether or not to come home. "How is it going to look if I come home and you dont go into labor for several more weeks?" And I knew where he was coming from, I wasn't trying to be the wife who cried wolf. And I knew that in all likeliness I wouldn't go into labor this week but still....there are no guarantees. The sad thing is I felt guilty for doing it. If it weren't for my parents telling me "what-- is he nuts? He would chance missing the birth of his child over a conference?" I may have just told him "ok, dont come." And Im not sure where along the way I have picked up the stamp on my forehead that reads "please, treat me like a doormat." He is my husband and he is the father of this child why WOULDN'T he be expected to....WANT to hop on the next plane? And yet, I feel guilty. Ultimately he decided that it was "the right thing to do" to come home and I feel like I owe him some huge debt of gratitude.
The car ride home from the airport he kept saying things like, "the one thing I really wanted to do in Thailand this trip was see Bangkok Dangerous in Thailand." Followed by, "I'm sorry....Im not trying to make you feel bad......I also wish that......" And on the one hand I know he is being sincere that he isn't trying to make me feel bad but HELLO? Emotional and pregnant!
So what has gotten me all in a tizzy now is the fact that my husband worked until 9pm last night. For most people this wouldn't be a big deal. For most people I bet their husbands working until 9pm would be a rare occurrence.
My husband is currently in the process of changing jobs (being that its in the military its not a big deal....he just has a different office now). The only reason he went to this conference in Thailand was so that his replacement could get up to speed back in the office and not have to deal with being brand new and having to go to Thailand. The person my husband is replacing is leaving for Iraq soon so his new job hasnt technically started. For the last year I've listened to my husband bitch about how behind he is on work and how much he has had to do and dont get me wrong, its been a really really stressful year. Honestly, the military is stretched so thin right now Im surprised we aren't all having a nervous breakdown. Given the fact that he was supposed to be in Thailand all this week he thought the fact that he was no home, and didn't have an 'office' anymore would give him the opportunity he needed to tie up lose ends and get on top of all the work that he still needed to finish. But no. Instead he has to go get involved in projects/problems that are no longer his responsibility. Instead of coming home "around lunchtime" to work from home it was 9pm. The night before when a neighbor asked me to babysit and I checked with my husband to see if he had anything going on he assured me he would be there to help. But he wasn't. He completely forgot so the baby sitting duty went to me. Alone. And he wondered why I didn't want to talk to him when he rolled in at 9pm.
So after discussing it this morning really the core of the issue is his work habits. If I had to boil our problems down to one thing its him and work. He works longer hours than all of his co-workers. He comes home and after our son goes to bed he opens the laptop and goes back to work. Its not at all uncommon for him to stay up all night long doing work. He just can't let it go and cant realize that it will, in fact, still be there tomorrow. He tells me I have no idea what he has to do in a day, what work has to be done. So I asked him realistically how many hours a day he thinks he needs to get his work done and he couldn't quantify it for me. I realize there will be days he has to work late. I know better than anyone his job requires him to deploy. I know that he is a really hardworker at heart and he wants to do a good job. That it will never be in him to slop through something to get done faster. Im ok with that as long as there is balance. I mean, don't most people stop at dinner?? Don't most people want to spend as much time as they can with their family? I think the thing that bothers me most about all of this is I just feel like we are this big burden on him. Like we are so demanding of his time when in reality we get very little of it. Like his attitude is "accept it or leave."
None of what I have written sounds anything like the man I married. The man I married would always put me first. He always wanted to do a good job at work but there was a balance. I feel like our son (and soon to be daughter) are the ones getting the short end of the stick, well, we all are. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know if I should just leave to 'prove a point' that he will be one seriously sad and lonely individual if his family disappeared.
I don't feel like I can talk to a lot of people about this. First, its embarrassing-- you always think your relationship is great and to let people think otherwise is so embarrassing. Second, I still feel this need to protect him and I feel like if I tell people whats going on they are all going to think he is a total asshole, which, at the moment he is, but I don't truly believe this is who he is.
So, my question is am I being unreasonable? What time is it fair to expect your husband come home from work (and I should note that Im not expecting him to come home and do chores around the house-- we just want to spend time with him)? How do you find the right balance?
3 comments:
I'm not sure I have any advice at all to offer. It's just that the way you describe your husband's commitment to work (over family) reminds me of me. I'm a single mom - and I used to have a job that I poured myself into. I worked all the time, I worked late, ALWAYS brought work home with me every night and every weekend. My daughters spent more of their waking hours either at daycare, with a babysitter or plunked down in front of the TV ('babysitter' at home) than they did with me. And even the time I spent with them I felt I was doing my 'duty' as a mom and I begrudged it to them.
That your husband's job is in the military - makes me feel like there isn't much he can do on his end to get his load lightened (even if he wanted to). Which is why I'm not sure any of my advice matters.
After I lost that job I went through a period of depression and anger and it took me a long time to see what everyone else saw all along - that my priorities were screwed up. It didn't matter that I had a job that paid well so the girls had what they needed materially - they didn't have me emotionally or physically in their lives. I now look at losing that job as the best thing that ever happened to me...a wake up call that my kids were growing up and I was missing all of it - because of what: accounting? To make sure someone's book were in balance? It's ridiculous when you think of it in the big picture.
I'm not really sure how you make someone see what they are missing. If someone had told me all of that while I still had my crazy-work-all-the-time job I likely would have nodded in agreement and kept doing exactly what I was doing - only then slightly annoyed that someone presumed to tell me I wasn't being a good enough parent.
I hope your husband does wake up because the (soon-to-be) three of you aren't the only ones losing out, he is losing out too.
kim
Would he (and you) consider going to a councilor? I know that's kinda depressing. I know it's hard to let ANYONE know there are problems... but what if you don't even know that someone? They don't see you all the time or have any outside relationship with you or him. Maybe having someone with no stakes in the whole thing tell him that he works too much to maintain work AND a family might hit home a little. The would probably have stats and such to back up that point too.
I had a friend that was REALLY sceptical about councilors and after separating from her husband for a couple of days decided "what the hell" and went to an appointment. That appointment made all the difference. They are now back together.
I'm not saying it's a solve all... but really? What would it hurt?
This basically sounds like my husband, minus the deployment part. He routinely stays up till one or two in the morning doing work projects. He IS coaching soccer right now, which means he's missing about two hours of work a day that he has to make up later, but he was like this even when he wasn't coaching. Most of the time he's fine with having the TV or a movie on, and he will talk to me here and there, so it still kind of feels like we're hanging out in the evenings, but... I definitely don't get that "undivided attention" thing that I want. He WILL get up from the computer to help put the kids to bed, an ordeal which takes at least an hour, and he'll play with them after dinner for a few hours. So I feel like they get enough of his attention, but then once they're in bed, it's computer time. Every night. All night.
I have no advise. I'm almost used to it at this point.
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