The Current Sitch

My current situation is this: my husband has been gone for over two weeks, and we've got 6 more to go. This is the longest he's ever been gone and I'm so over it already. I realize there are people that have it worse than me, but I know that if my husband was going to be longer than 2 months I wouldn't be foolish enough to try and survive this on my own, I'd pack up and head for family.  I really don't think my husband gets what its like to walk a day in my shoes. I know this because at one point he said "How is me being gone any different than your normal day? You are at home with Ethan all day anyway, so you just have to do it a few hours more every day." Riiight....its no different.

It is the loneliest job in the world to do everything for yourself and by yourself. If I wanted to spend my days alone, I wouldn't have gotten married. And I sure as hell wouldn't have signed up to be a single parent. I dont think he understands that at the end of a normal day I might be clinging to the end of my rope, but am able to hang on because I know relief is on the way! Try doing every parenting duty, every household duty, every misc. duty on your own day after day for two months. My husband doesn't understand what its like to never have a break. That just because I do stay home with our son everyday doesn't mean I want to be here everyday. I need a break too. Since he's been gone I've had to deal with a dead car battery, a cockroach the size of a matchbox car that I've just resigned myself to accept as a new roommate since I haven't been able to kill it, a sick child, dealing with paying our road tax and getting stickers for the cars. Not to mention the normal day to day stuff like every poopy diaper, every meal, every bag of trash, every load of laundry...etc. 

I know that it isn't like my husband prefers to be away. I know he misses us and he is a big (huge) help around the house when he is home. He is a great father and fantastic husband. However, there is a part of him that loves being gone. He loves going to the foreign places he gets to go to, loves getting to do what he's been trained to do, probably loves just a general change of scenery from time to time. He tells me its a double edge sword. Yet for me....its sort of like 2 months of wanting to poke my own eyes out. Its two months of just surviving. 

My husband's commitment is over at the end of the year. For several months we had decided to separate from the military, move back to our 'old life' (post for another day). And then I got wrapped up in all the perks and the health care and thought maybe we should reconsider. So my husband has applied for a program which would basically extend our commitment for 7 years. For about the last year he has been gone 50% of the time. Thats about 20% more than Im willing to do. Thats missing out on too many days of each other's lives. Thats too many dinners alone, too many days I wish away. When he's home Im convinced I can do this, I can live this life and I can support him in this endeavor. But when he's gone I want to hang up my hat and say that Im not as tough as all those other military wives. That this girl just cant hack it. Its a love hate relationship and I really don't know what to do.