The time he was gone this spring was hard. Really really hard. It was hard in every way and it was truly putting stress on our marriage which was not a place I wanted to be. Things got better once he got home, though I was worried that by just sort of letting things go back to the way they were, things that should have been dealt with were just going to be swept under the rug.
Im 32 weeks pregnant and most of that time I've been on my own....with a 3 year old. Im grouchy. I lash out when I shouldn't. I yell at my son when he doesn't deserve it. Im tired. Every annoying thing about pregnancy seems to be compounded 10 fold right now. The exception being that I get the bed to myself.
My husband just let me know today that he is going to be working over Labor day. This would make the grand total of holidays he has had to work this year up to.....ALL BUT ONE. He got home the day before Martin Luther King day, so he did get that holiday off. Every other one he's been gone. He's also going to miss a few more yet this year.
In addition to missing this holiday he also informed me that since he is supposed to be promoted on the 1st and since he is going to be gone (and I should note that this time he is CHOOSING to be gone to do a fun sort of training extra-curricular thing with his Marines) was it really a big deal to me if I missed his promotion?
And instantly I was mad. I was mad that he was choosing to spend more time away from us. Mad that while everyone else is off enjoying their 4 day holiday weekends I'd be here by myself with a 3 year old, almost 34 weeks pregnant just trying to survive another day on my own. Mad that yet again I feel taken for granted.....the wife is always here to pick up all the pieces. But more than anything I was hurt that not only did I want to be there for his promotion, I am beyond hurt that he doesn't care if Im there or not. That for something that is a really big deal, it isn't important to him to have the one person who has supported him unconditionally in order for him to get to this point. Furthermore, while Im not the one pinning on a new rank, I've had to put in just as much hard work as he has in order to reach this point. In some small way this was a celebration of all my hard work too.
There is no good way out of this, if I tell him how hurt I am I'll feel like he is just changing things around to appease me....not because he actually cares. If I don't say anything, then I'll miss his promotion and that's something I'll have to live with forever. I don't want to be stupid and not be there out of spite but I feel like if I tell him how I feel and I end up going, its going to 'cheapen' the event either way.
Truthfully Im really surprised that this is unfolding the way it is. My husband is an extremely thoughtful person. He thinks things through and thinks about the meaning behind things. Of the promotions I've been to every husband makes it a point to thank his wife/family in front of everyone. Often she will be the one to pin on his new rank. Sometimes she might even get a little something sparkly from her husband for all that she does. All these things are things that my husband (normally) would do. Him not wanting us to be a part of his day just makes me feel all the more taken for granted. That my contributions to all of this don't count.
This year I feel like life has taken such a wrong turn and I don't know why. We have a little girl arriving in October and it should be such an exciting time and instead its being filled with all this.
2 comments:
I think you have to tell him how you feel about being at the promotion.
Because not telling him? Will probably mean not being there and then resenting that for a very long time. It's a moment you can't get back.
Try to find a quiet time (Ha!) when you're feeling reasonably calm and rational (Ha, again! I remember being that pregnant!) and explain to him just what you wrote here. That you feel painted into a corner by even being asked "if you would mind missing it." That missing it makes you feel left out of his success, as though your support has not meant anything to him. But that being asked to miss it makes you feel unwelcome. Tell him that you understand that he can't always control when he has to be gone, but that you feel that he's missing every important holiday with the family and that maybe that makes your being at the promotion that much more important to you.
If he's really as thoughtful as you describe, and you can explain your feelings to him in a way he can understand, without being screechy-nagging-pregnant-wife-who-doesn't-get-it, maybe this conversation will clear the air between the two of you?
Good luck and hang in there!
I know with my Hubby every once in a while I have to remind him that unlike him, I don't get promotions and I don't have a "boss" to tell me how good/bad I'm doing. All I have is him and the kids... and the kids sure as heck aren't going to tell me what a great job of cleaning the kitchen I did! And with me being so close to the picture its hard for me to tell how I'm doing.
Maybe to start off the conversation you could ask him how he thinks you are doing as a wife and mother because his opinion means the world to you. That would be a good opening for a level and civilized in depth conversation.
Let him know you feel greatly unappreciated because it seams that he doesn't want to be around you for the "big stuff" aka holidays and promotions. If you use the promotion thing as an example of this you aren't asking to go, but you aren't making a stink about that in particular. You are just illestrating why you feel the way you feel (And by mentioning it he will know that it really is bugging you.)
Good luck sweetie, and I agree with the above commenter. You need to talk to him about it before the promotion, or it will fester. And it will eventually come out in anger(kind of an emotional side swipe from his point of view...). It will probably be after the fact when there isn't anything he can do about it in retrospect and he didn't know before the promotion that anything needed to be done.
Sorry about the novel ...
Good Luck
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