At What Point Do You Just Admit There Is A Problem?

Yeeaaah, so I should just call this blog Marriage: Problems With. Honestly I don't know what has happened or how to fix it anymore other than starting with square one: admitting there is a problem. As I've detailed in other posts this has been a difficult year, mostly because my husband has been deployed for most of it and Im pregnant (just 4 weeks to go).

Over the weekend I started having a lot of contractions and since I was just shy of 36 weeks I had to go in since it was considered "pre-term." Without going into the details there is "progress" being made so I had to call my husband in Thailand basically letting him know I could go into labor anytime. He was there for a two week conference. Nothing of dire importance and by the time he came home he was only going to miss the last 4 days so he was there for most of it. When I told him he was sort of on the fence as to whether or not to come home. "How is it going to look if I come home and you dont go into labor for several more weeks?" And I knew where he was coming from, I wasn't trying to be the wife who cried wolf. And I knew that in all likeliness I wouldn't go into labor this week but still....there are no guarantees. The sad thing is I felt guilty for doing it. If it weren't for my parents telling me "what-- is he nuts? He would chance missing the birth of his child over a conference?" I may have just told him "ok, dont come." And Im not sure where along the way I have picked up the stamp on my forehead that reads "please, treat me like a doormat." He is my husband and he is the father of this child why WOULDN'T he be expected to....WANT to hop on the next plane? And yet, I feel guilty. Ultimately he decided that it was "the right thing to do" to come home and I feel like I owe him some huge debt of gratitude.

The car ride home from the airport he kept saying things like, "the one thing I really wanted to do in Thailand this trip was see Bangkok Dangerous in Thailand." Followed by, "I'm sorry....Im not trying to make you feel bad......I also wish that......" And on the one hand I know he is being sincere that he isn't trying to make me feel bad but HELLO? Emotional and pregnant!

So what has gotten me all in a tizzy now is the fact that my husband worked until 9pm last night. For most people this wouldn't be a big deal. For most people I bet their husbands working until 9pm would be a rare occurrence.

My husband is currently in the process of changing jobs (being that its in the military its not a big deal....he just has a different office now). The only reason he went to this conference in Thailand was so that his replacement could get up to speed back in the office and not have to deal with being brand new and having to go to Thailand. The person my husband is replacing is leaving for Iraq soon so his new job hasnt technically started. For the last year I've listened to my husband bitch about how behind he is on work and how much he has had to do and dont get me wrong, its been a really really stressful year. Honestly, the military is stretched so thin right now Im surprised we aren't all having a nervous breakdown. Given the fact that he was supposed to be in Thailand all this week he thought the fact that he was no home, and didn't have an 'office' anymore would give him the opportunity he needed to tie up lose ends and get on top of all the work that he still needed to finish. But no. Instead he has to go get involved in projects/problems that are no longer his responsibility. Instead of coming home "around lunchtime" to work from home it was 9pm. The night before when a neighbor asked me to babysit and I checked with my husband to see if he had anything going on he assured me he would be there to help. But he wasn't. He completely forgot so the baby sitting duty went to me. Alone. And he wondered why I didn't want to talk to him when he rolled in at 9pm.

So after discussing it this morning really the core of the issue is his work habits. If I had to boil our problems down to one thing its him and work. He works longer hours than all of his co-workers. He comes home and after our son goes to bed he opens the laptop and goes back to work. Its not at all uncommon for him to stay up all night long doing work. He just can't let it go and cant realize that it will, in fact, still be there tomorrow. He tells me I have no idea what he has to do in a day, what work has to be done. So I asked him realistically how many hours a day he thinks he needs to get his work done and he couldn't quantify it for me. I realize there will be days he has to work late. I know better than anyone his job requires him to deploy. I know that he is a really hardworker at heart and he wants to do a good job. That it will never be in him to slop through something to get done faster. Im ok with that as long as there is balance. I mean, don't most people stop at dinner?? Don't most people want to spend as much time as they can with their family? I think the thing that bothers me most about all of this is I just feel like we are this big burden on him. Like we are so demanding of his time when in reality we get very little of it. Like his attitude is "accept it or leave." 

None of what I have written sounds anything like the man I married. The man I married would always put me first. He always wanted to do a good job at work but there was a balance. I feel like our son (and soon to be daughter) are the ones getting the short end of the stick, well, we all are. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know if I should just leave to 'prove a point' that he will be one seriously sad and lonely individual if his family disappeared. 

I don't feel like I can talk to a lot of people about this. First, its embarrassing-- you always think your relationship is great and to let people think otherwise is so embarrassing. Second, I still feel this need to protect him and I feel like if I tell people whats going on they are all going to think he is a total asshole, which, at the moment he is, but I don't truly believe this is who he is. 

So, my question is am I being unreasonable? What time is it fair to expect your husband come home from work (and I should note that Im not expecting him to come home and do chores around the house-- we just want to spend time with him)? How do you find the right balance?

Just When I was Thinking of Subletting the Pink Apt.

I was just thinking the other day how I haven't written here in forever and maybe I should just close up the pink apartment for the fall. And then my husband goes and does something that upsets me and I just want to write it all out.

The time he was gone this spring was hard. Really really hard. It was hard in every way and it was truly putting stress on our marriage which was not a place I wanted to be. Things got better once he got home, though I was worried that by just sort of letting things go back to the way they were, things that should have been dealt with were just going to be swept under the rug.

Im 32 weeks pregnant and most of that time I've been on my own....with a 3 year old. Im grouchy. I lash out when I shouldn't.  I yell at my son when he doesn't deserve it. Im tired. Every annoying thing about pregnancy seems to be compounded 10 fold right now. The exception being that I get the bed to myself. 

My husband just let me know today that he is going to be working over Labor day. This would make the grand total of holidays he has had to work this year up to.....ALL BUT ONE. He got home the day before Martin Luther King day, so he did get that holiday off. Every other one he's been gone. He's also going to miss a few more yet this year.

In addition to missing this holiday he also informed me that since he is supposed to be promoted on the 1st and since he is going to be gone (and I should note that this time he is CHOOSING to be gone to do a fun sort of training extra-curricular thing with his Marines) was it really a big deal to me if I missed his promotion?

And instantly I was mad. I was mad that he was choosing to spend more time away from us. Mad that while everyone else is off enjoying their 4 day holiday weekends I'd be here by myself with a 3 year old, almost 34 weeks pregnant just trying to survive another day on my own. Mad that yet again I feel taken for granted.....the wife is always here to pick up all the pieces. But more than anything I was hurt that not only did I want to be there for his promotion, I am beyond hurt that he doesn't care if Im there or not. That for something that is a really big deal, it isn't important to him to have the one person who has supported him unconditionally in order for him to get to this point. Furthermore, while Im not the one pinning on a new rank, I've had to put in just as much hard work as he has in order to reach this point. In some small way this was a celebration of all my hard work too. 

There is no good way out of this, if I tell him how hurt I am I'll feel like he is just changing things around to appease me....not because he actually cares. If I don't say anything, then I'll miss his promotion and that's something I'll have to live with forever. I don't want to be stupid and not be there out of spite but I feel like if I tell him how I feel and I end up going, its going to 'cheapen' the event either way.

Truthfully Im really surprised that this is unfolding the way it is. My husband is an extremely thoughtful person. He thinks things through and thinks about the meaning behind things. Of the promotions I've been to every husband makes it a point to thank his wife/family in front of everyone. Often she will be the one to pin on his new rank. Sometimes she might even get a little something sparkly from her husband for all that she does. All these things are things that my husband (normally) would do. Him not wanting us to be a part of his day just makes me feel all the more taken for granted. That my contributions to all of this don't count. 

This year I feel like life has taken such a wrong turn and I don't know why. We have a little girl arriving in October and it should be such an exciting time and instead its being filled with all this.

Is It Just Me?

Alright, lets take a break from the doom and gloom around here and I'll rant about something different today. In our cul-de-sac neighborhood there are a group of 5 moms (and their kids) that hang out together in the afternoons. We all get along fine and its so nice to have people to sit outside and chat with while we let the kids play. I genuinely like all of these women- despite my rant. However, there is one neighbor Amy, that I feel gets taken advantage of. Amy is fantastic with kids, she just has the knack for it-- she would make a phenomenal school teacher. Because of this she often gets tasked with "would you mind watching the kids for a bit?" or "Could I just leave them with you while I run an errand?" And on the one hand, it is worth mentioning that one of the neighbors guilty of this is on her own-- her husband has been in Iraq for the last 6 months so I know its not like she has it easy. The other neighbor who is guilty of this, Kate, has an 18 month old and is pregnant with her second. She has been feeling really crummy and her husband just got back two days ago after being gone for about 4 weeks. I swear that every time I turn around Amy is watching Kate's son. Im not sure if Amy is just doing this because she wants to or because she is being asked to. I realize its really none of my concern and I probably should butt out.

However. Last night I was at the park with my son and Amy and her girls came out to play. Kate had a babysitter show up (she and her husband had a party to go to) and a few minutes later turned the baby sitter away for coming too early. Then, here's the part that floored me, she opens her window and asks if we will watch her son while she gets ready for her party. DID SHE NOT JUST TURN THE BABYSITTER AWAY? 

When I have something I need to get ready for, and we are having a sitter come that night (especially if my husband isn't home at the time) I intentionally have the sitter come early so that I can get ready without having to supervise and entertain a toddler. I was totally baffled as to whether she was just being cheap and not wanting to spend an extra $3 to have the sitter come early or if she was just totally rude and figured we should watch her kid for her. 

Is it just me or was that totally tacky? Part of me wanted to say something to Amy and then the other part of me figured it wasn't my place. Part of me wanted to say something to Kate and then the other part of me figured it wasn't worth creating hard feelings over. What would you have done?

Im Over It Already

I know Im probably going straight to hell for writing this post. Let me just start by saying that Im a very compassionate person, ask anyone and they'd tell you that I'm the total opposite of heartless. But Honestly. Im not sure how many more ways the government of Burma can say that they don't want our help, so WHY can't our husbands just pack their shit and leave already? Its nice that the US has so generously offered to help, but for over a week now the government has said they wont accept aid from military warships- so how many times does the US government have to hear this before they can just accept it. Not everyone wants our help. 

I read an editorial today that was talking about the proposed changes to the GI Bill. President Bush has threatened to veto it and none of that is really the point. There was one line in there that I thought was so aptly put, saying (in regards to the military) that Bush was so "lavish with other people's sacrifices." No truer words have been spoken. And while I realize there are many people that have it worse than I do, I'm tired of the the separation, Im tired of the single parenting, and Im especially tired of just not knowing. This morning my 3 year old asked if Dad would ever come home again. Why don't I just rip my own heart out because to hear him ask that is equally as painful. I told him that yes, his dad would be home eventually, but I had no idea when. 

When I told my husband about what transpired he got mad at me. He was mad at me for handling it the way I did. That I should have done something to be more comforting. And I love that this is my problem. Like somehow I've screwed up. 

This is a boring post, and I realize that I make my husband out to be some jackass of a spouse and thats not the truth at all. He is fantastic but, being deployed puts stress on a relationship unlike anything else. 

Breaking Point

My husband let me know that with the Burma situation, it could be another 30 days before he comes home....maybe sooner, possibly longer. While I realize that he had no control over what happened, my patience with him is wearing thin. When he told me all of this he told me how excited he was, how great of an opportunity this is. And while I am glad there are people like him in the world, people that want to help, his extreme excitement to be away from us for another month doesnt bring me any measure of comfort. It makes me angry. It makes me angry because he doesn't care that he has missed mothers day, he will now miss Memorial Day (usually a 4 or 5 day weekend to spend WITH YOUR FAMILY), he is going to miss Father's Day and our anniversary. He is also going to miss the ultrasound for our baby. This doesn't bother him. I don't know what happens to him when he is gone, he turns into a selfish jerk and seems to completely forget he has a family who needs him, who loves him.

He tells us he is too busy to call. It will be 3 or 4 days that he just wont call, wont email. He tells me its because he has no time. Not a minute to spare. You know what I say? Too bad. How many free minutes do you think I get in my day? Do you think that I get to sit down and have a nice lunch or dinner like he does? He makes casual references to "an article I read online today", has posted something on his blog, has told me how they have wrestling matches to blow off steam, he works out everyday....etc. While all this is fine and well it translates into one thing to me: he is choosing to not make time for his family.

My almost 3 year old has given up napping and that has made all of this so much more unpleasant. A tired 3 year old=trainwreck by dinner time. Guess who has to deal with the wreckage each and every night? Yours truly. I've decided that I need to be fair to myself and realistic. I need to know when to say when because right now, Im not being as good of a mom as I should be. My son deserves better, I deserve better. I have signed him up for a half day pre-school/daycare and am planning on taking him 3 days a week, though I could take him all 5. Im hoping this will provide some much needed relief and that my guilt will be eased when I see that we are both happier at the end of the day.

The Current Sitch

My current situation is this: my husband has been gone for over two weeks, and we've got 6 more to go. This is the longest he's ever been gone and I'm so over it already. I realize there are people that have it worse than me, but I know that if my husband was going to be longer than 2 months I wouldn't be foolish enough to try and survive this on my own, I'd pack up and head for family.  I really don't think my husband gets what its like to walk a day in my shoes. I know this because at one point he said "How is me being gone any different than your normal day? You are at home with Ethan all day anyway, so you just have to do it a few hours more every day." Riiight....its no different.

It is the loneliest job in the world to do everything for yourself and by yourself. If I wanted to spend my days alone, I wouldn't have gotten married. And I sure as hell wouldn't have signed up to be a single parent. I dont think he understands that at the end of a normal day I might be clinging to the end of my rope, but am able to hang on because I know relief is on the way! Try doing every parenting duty, every household duty, every misc. duty on your own day after day for two months. My husband doesn't understand what its like to never have a break. That just because I do stay home with our son everyday doesn't mean I want to be here everyday. I need a break too. Since he's been gone I've had to deal with a dead car battery, a cockroach the size of a matchbox car that I've just resigned myself to accept as a new roommate since I haven't been able to kill it, a sick child, dealing with paying our road tax and getting stickers for the cars. Not to mention the normal day to day stuff like every poopy diaper, every meal, every bag of trash, every load of laundry...etc. 

I know that it isn't like my husband prefers to be away. I know he misses us and he is a big (huge) help around the house when he is home. He is a great father and fantastic husband. However, there is a part of him that loves being gone. He loves going to the foreign places he gets to go to, loves getting to do what he's been trained to do, probably loves just a general change of scenery from time to time. He tells me its a double edge sword. Yet for me....its sort of like 2 months of wanting to poke my own eyes out. Its two months of just surviving. 

My husband's commitment is over at the end of the year. For several months we had decided to separate from the military, move back to our 'old life' (post for another day). And then I got wrapped up in all the perks and the health care and thought maybe we should reconsider. So my husband has applied for a program which would basically extend our commitment for 7 years. For about the last year he has been gone 50% of the time. Thats about 20% more than Im willing to do. Thats missing out on too many days of each other's lives. Thats too many dinners alone, too many days I wish away. When he's home Im convinced I can do this, I can live this life and I can support him in this endeavor. But when he's gone I want to hang up my hat and say that Im not as tough as all those other military wives. That this girl just cant hack it. Its a love hate relationship and I really don't know what to do.

I Had To Do It

I've been reading all your secret blogs for awhile now, not ever feeling the need to join in the fun. I mean I do have my other blog and for the most part I feel pretty comfortable saying what I want to say even though all my family, in-laws included, read it. Overall I love my life, I have a truly wonderful husband whom I adore. I have 3 yr old little boy who keeps me smiling everyday and a "sister" on the way. And most of the time life is dandy, but my husband is in the Marine Corps and there are days that I think to myself, "this can't really be my life." And those are the days that Im here for.